Cuca Maria (as she affectionately called me), don't worry, I promise that a moment will come when you will be indifferent to this subject and to this person. Then you will know that you are free". Little did I realise at the time how - with her usual wisdom and direct words - my dear sister - who was already a teenager when I was born and generously shared her room with me and my toys while I took my law degree and, unexpectedly, tragically passed away last week - was guiding me towards developing Equanimity.
A tree does not consider whether or not those who seek its shelter deserve its shade and shares its fragrance even with those who cut it down. It is this metaphorical "indifference" or "Equanimity" that my sister was referring to. Perhaps that is too lofty or absurd a goal to have as human beings: to treat everyone equally, to make no differences, and potentially to serve, with our talents, everyone equally, without "specialisms". Our biological system, particularly our brain, seems to be conditioned to survival, to the "win-or-lose" perception of situations, to consideration with special attention or "love" of those who can give us what we believe we lack. When our brains lead us to perceive attack, our default mode of the mind-body system is triggered into the usual fight-or-flight-or-freeze mode. And our parents, educators and well-meaning friends have often told us "don't just stand there, do something". So we tend to run around like silly cockroaches, tricking our minds into believing that activity is meaningful just because it is activity.... somehow silencing our deep yearning for purpose with the noise of our running.
Having married at 23, it wasn't long before my wise husband (soon afterwards ex-husband) cautioned me: "you live your life as if you were running on quicksand". It took the pain of a divorce and extreme exhaustion for me to understand the depth of his metaphor. And to change. To move from an activity bias to a reflective stance. To experience - in the words of the "father of mindfulness in the West" Thich Nhat Hanh - "don't do something, just stay there!". You could say I learned to be more like a tree and less like a runner. More stillness, less judgement and more equanimity.
During our session Adam's Choice Dare to (Un)learn - Find Within Your Self, we challenged our enthusiastic participants to unlearn. To become a child again and draw a Tree of Life, visualising their life filled like a Tree. We shared a simple model inspired by the work of Karl Jung and Klaus Moller (among other authors) where:
- Roots can represent our beliefs and attitudes (are they limiting us or serving us well at the moment?);
- The log can portray our goals (are we always striving for more or are we enjoying the journey to our goals?);
- The branches can be symbols of our talents and how we interact with others (are we "burying" our talents or are we enhancing them and putting them to use?);
- The presence of fruit and flowers can mirror our purpose and impact (are we empty or are we creating "fruit" to impact a larger life than our own?).
As Thomas Merton advises, "He who tries to act and help others or the world without deepening his own self-understanding, freedom, integrity and capacity to love, will have nothing to give to others." It is my hope that our powerful metaphor "If I were a tree" will inspire us to greater self-reflection and to find within ourselves the nourishment we need to lead happy and creative lives.
